I thought about starting my own blog too but I’m just too lazy so, I guess I‘ll just have to keep checking yours out.
LOL,

As a Christian the first consideration of whether someone is a prospective spouse should always be whether they are spiritually compatible in the essentials of the Christian Faith. If they are not then pursuing that person in a dating relationship is dangerous and I believe against God’s perfect design for marriage. The Bible is silent on the subject of choosing a spouse based on emotional and physical aspects. Therefore the questions of “if it is biblical” to look for someone emotionally similar to yourself or physically attractive have no merit. God gives no instructions in these areas, so we can neither say it is biblical or not. We must be careful not to add to God’s word.

If spiritual compatibility in the essentials of the faith is the only thing you consider, then it is logical to say that you should be able to marry anyone who is a Christian and be happy regardless of how much difference there is between you when it comes to emotions, interests, & physical appearance. In that case lets go back to arranged marriages where the father picks your spouse and be done with the dating process, because after all, the dating process is for you to have time to determine whether or not you are compatible. You will never find a person who is exactly like you but there is wisdom in looking for someone that you are more compatible with than anyone else. Some people thrive on confrontations and lively discussions. For others this would cause great emotional distress. It is a matter of peace and serenity in the household. Yes there will be differences (usually you find these out after you are married). But starting out a marriage with many known differences makes for a more difficult road ahead as you stated so well Tiffany.

“The danger of not satisfying these three areas is if she settles for a partner, with full knowledge that in one or more of these areas there are severe differences in constitution between the two of them, then they are surely guaranteed a difficult marriage. A marriage that will be full of nasty compromise, bitter resentment, and unfulfilled longings.”

Note that these are severe differences. Let me say again, you will never find someone who is exactly like you. And that is a good thing. God will use your spouse to bring you joy as well as change you, shape you, stretch you, and sometimes to humble you.

I feel like the word Selfish is being understood in two different contexts here. Whitney, I think you are understanding it to mean that you are only concerned with yourself. Tiffany I think you are speaking of the freedom to pursue paths in your life without having to consider one particular person in your plans. This would be more accurately termed “self interest”. It is difficult to argue that anyone ever acts outside their own self interest. Of course we are all called to consider others above ourselves, so in that sense whether married or single we can’t be “selfish”. But when you are married you need to consider your spouse when you want to go somewhere, do something, eat out or eat at home, etc… But when you are single you are free to make plans without checking with someone else. So you can be “selfish” in that respect. Paul talks in 1 Cor. about the married man who is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and that his interests are divided. There is definitely no room for any kind of selfishness regardless of the definition once you say “I Do”.

Whether or not people have spent 20-30 years or just a few years living by themselves and being “selfish” has no bearing on a happy or unhappy marriage. Unhappy marriages have to do with our sinful nature and whether or not we as a couple strive to live according to God’s plan for marriage. Does the husband love his wife as Christ loved the Church? Is the wife submitting to her husband’s authority? People can be selfish in marriage as well as singleness.

As far as the “appearance” matter, this doesn’t mean that they are the most beautiful person you have ever seen when you first start the relationship. That would definitely be superficial and no basis for a relationship since beauty is fading as we get older. But as your relationship develops closer to engagement and marriage, if you are still looking at others in a longing fashion and you can imagine yourself without this person and with someone else that you find more attractive then your commitment to this prospective spouse should be in question.

Ask yourself, is it biblical to try to find someone who shares most of your beliefs in non-essentials, or is it merely someone’s helpful advice? Lots of people have helpful advice. Even I have helpful advice, which I will share via some short stories, if only because I seem to go against almost every piece of this “wise advice”. When I met my husband, he was a firm believer in Armenianism and I and ardent Calvinist. We had quite a few heated and interesting arguments on the subject. I remember thinking “How could I ever be in a meaningful relationship with this guy if we have so many differences of opinion?” Well, start a relationship we did, and I remember praying, if not so succinctly, that God make us like-minded and show us the truth. My point here is that people grow and change and God does perform miracles, such as turning an Armenianist into a Calvinist.

Ask yourself again. Is it biblical to look for someone emotionally similar to yourself? I will offer another story. You could not find to more emotionally different people than my husband and I, and many people worried about how it would affect our relationship. A few examples, for there are many. When upset, my husband gets angry and passionate and heated and needs time to be alone to cool down and think before resolving things. Myself, I tend to withdraw and get cold and silent, but I need very much to resolve things right away and make everything better. My husband is a very trusting person and I am very skeptical. When we met, my husband was a very energetic, loud, and outgoing person. But I was very calm, shy, quiet, and reserved. However, after 2 years of marriage, I look back and sometimes laugh at how much like each other we have become in some ways. He has become a little more reserved and I a little more outgoing. We have had two very happy wonderful years of marriage and have learned how to live together peacefully despite our emotional difference. And can I just say that some of the most fun times of my life been because I’ve been in a relationship with someone so different from myself? Even our likes and dislikes were very different when we met, and in some areas still are. But some of the most fun and interesting experiences of my life have been trying things I never imagined I would be doing. I met someone who was dressed Goth, enjoyed: anime, DDR, video games, screamo and heavy metal music, public speaking, and singing in front of lots of people, disliked: seafood, school work, reading, and sports, he didn’t know one end of a horse from another, would never consider playing soccer, and didn’t care much for biology (just the other day he mentioned something about urine being made by the gallbladder!) And yet here we are today! No one forces the other to try something new, rather it is enjoyable to do new things with someone you love and it is exciting to constantly be around someone who is different! Remember it’s all about 2 individuals becoming one!

Lastly, is it biblical to look for someone physically attractive? When I met my husband I did not find him physically attractive at all, and I remember saying “I could never date him, because he’s not the kind of guy I find attractive”. I don’t really even remember at what point I started considering him physically attractive, but I do remember one point very clearly. I contemplated having to say no to him about beginning a relationship, because I knew we were both two very different people and he certainly wasn’t what I had always thought of as my dream guy. However, the very idea of not having him around forever was unthinkable as was having to break his heart.

And can I just say that God has performed quite a few more impossible miracles than taking two completely different people and giving them a wonderful marriage?

Just my two cents.

When one continues to contemplate what they were before salvation, namely a dead man, it seems impossible that we could choose anything. Dead men don’t choose. So logically it must take some act of God to make us undead before we can look upon God favorably. So in essence, what our finite human minds think of as “choosing” or “free will” actually happens after the act of God (regeneration and the gift of faith). So then it is not really our choosing, is it? When God makes us “undead” we are then alive in Christ and hence “saved”. And thus far none of this has happened by our choice! And perish the thought that we could say “No!” to God and thus lose the salvation he has just so mercifully bestowed upon us!

I suppose this is what bothers me so much in this debate: if in any way my salvation is the result of my choice and not the sovereign decree of God, then my salvation could just as easily be lost by my choice. Resting salvation in my own choice leaves me with no assurance that some day I will not just decide to “unchoose” God. How much more freeing is it to say that I was saved solely by the sovereign decree of God!

It is frustrating that so many pastors and churches see this as an offensive and ugly doctrine rather than one that leaves us free to enjoy the assurance and beauty of our salvation! And because they see it as cruel and ugly and offensive that God would mercifully save some and leave the rest to their deserved judgment, these leaders of our churches choose to be wishy-washy and take the “middle ground”! It is EITHER God’s decision or ours, logically a middle ground doesn’t work! Why is it so difficult for people to say that that it was God’s decision and not ours? Who in their right mind would want to leave their hope of salvation in their own hands rather than God’s?

On taking sides: if I had to choose (haha) between being a Calvinist or an Armenian, I would emphatically choose Mr. Calvin. The reason being is that leaves no room for developing a self-works salvation. The dangers of Armenianism are that if you don’t do x, y, and z, then you are no longer saved. That’s works, and is incompatible with the doctrine of Grace.

I like this quote regarding this issue:
“The river of truth flows between the banks of two extremes.”