Contemplation: a Dangerous Gift

Sometimes I imagine horrible things happening to those I love. Not because I desire such things to happen to them, but to gauge the effect it would have on my personal state. A rather selfish endevour, but also a terrifying one as well. Some mornings I will wake up drenched in sweat, and not remember why, only that I desire above all else to instantly be connected with every person I care about and assure myself that something dreadful has not happened while I slept. I imagine turning on Fox news and seeing a news flash of a FedEx airbus having gone down, piloted by First Officer Randall Emerson Beck. He is training for the airbus right now. He is starting test flights soon. Things go wrong on test flights with learning pilots. I can stifle such thoughts, and I have slowly gotten better at it, but most of the time it sparks in me a need for such fervent prayer that I hear nothing else around me. This happens in class often, especially those classes where my mind is given leisure to wander. Then I wander beyond the death of loved ones, to what a psychiatrist might call “deeper things”. The thread of life is so frail, so slender; it could snap so easily. The human life is extremely susceptible to calamity. We have not the means of survival as most wild things do. Then, I think of the thread of life in a different facet. So many times, we as humans strive to kill ourselves, to tear our own life-thread to pieces. But more times than nought, we can not do it. Attempted suicides are rampant in the world, but a much smaller group actually have enough desperation to finish the act. Even then, how many wonder as they slowly bleed to death, was this really the right thing to do? There is something stronger running through the thread of all souls: it keeps us firmly grasping to life, even with all its tribulations and constant pain. As the song goes:

There’s something deep inside
That keeps my faith alive
When all you can do
Is hide from the fear
That’s deep inside of you
Something, something, something,
Something, something, something,
To hold me close when I don’t know

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About becklegacy

Emergency Veterinarian by night; Crossfit athlete by day; Redeemed work-in-progress by the Grace of God.
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