Human Events Notes on Global Warming

“Global warming made the winter too warm and caused increased snowfall. It made the summer way too hot in one state and much too cool in another. Global warming causes both storms and stagnant air. It causes desertification and flooding. It causes increased malaria while wiping out wetlands. And also it controls the banking system. Basically if there’s weather, it’s a horrible never-before-seen consequence of global warming….

“As I noted earlier, global warming is routinely blamed for unusally warm winters, such as the one that just occurred in Europe. However, the unusally cold and snowy winter the year before was also blamed on global warming, which some postulated had disrupted the Gulf Stream and would thus trigger an Ice Age in Europe. Global warming could cause an Ice Age. Is it hot in here, or is it just the glare from all this ice?

“When Hurricane Katrina struck New Orleans, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. (who became an expert in climate when ordered to serve 1,500 hours of community service as part of a plea-bargained herion-possession charge) famously declared that it was ‘proof’ of global warming. The following year’s mild hurricane season didn’t seem to prove anything, however. Not only is the bar for proof of global warming quite low, the traffic over it seems to go only one way.

“Given such a standard of proof, nearly anything can be linked to global warming. A widely reported news piece from a few months ago told the story of an intrepid group of activists who went to the Arctic to find proof of global warming – and what do you know, they found it! What was this proof? They saw some baby seals sitting on the ice without their mothers around. So obviously…global warming had so stressed the mothers that they abandoned their pups to die – and just before the loud boat full of activists arrived to document their absense. What a coincidence! Come to think of it, I saw a bunch of kids at the mall the other day and their mothers were nowhere to be found. I suspect global warming drove the stressed mothers away, possible to the cooler climate of Bed, Bath & Beyond.

“When sea otters began disappearing off the coast of Alaska, many suspected it could be due to man-made global warming. Then a scientist documented that a local pod of killer whales had learned to eat the little otters like so many furry beer nuts, so immediately people knew that global warming must have driven the killer whales to eating tiny otters.”

-Human Events, Juen 25, 2007, p. 20


About becklegacy

Emergency Veterinarian by night; Crossfit athlete by day; Redeemed work-in-progress by the Grace of God.
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